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�Just saying, Iapos;m not sure why I�named this post sunflowers.�

Anyways....I�feel like Iapos;m not on this world anymore. I feel so sad and heavy. T.T So...unalive. I�guess partially itapos;s because Iapos;m stressed. I feel disconnected from everything. I�feel nothing. Today, my sister, she was watching me look for desktop wallpapers, and she said, "Youapos;re turning emo." The wallpapers I�picked were all dark colored ones. Ranging from black to dark blue. Iapos;m not even sure if this post even makes sense.

On the car ride home from my piano teacherapos;s house, all I�thought was, "I�wish I can disappear from this world. POOF Gone just like that." Ugh. I�just donapos;t know whatapos;s wrong with me. I�have a feeling Iapos;m suppressing something. But, since I�suppressed it too much, now it has caused me not to feel anything.

PS. I am sorry if this post does not make any sense.

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I wonder how many calories are burnt after a laughing session of 45 minutes. Iapos;m guessing not nearly as much as I imagine. I just got off the phone with Amanda, my agent - and undoubtedly I had to post about this. Apparently Elle Japan has a pictorial on "goth, punk rock" being publish for December and they want me to be part of it. Marissa, one of the other models at the agency whom iapos;ve fallen in love with, has been booked for it as well. I imagine you wouldnapos;t have to be very good-looking for such, the tittle alone is devastating. Iapos;m sorry for jokingly insulting the both of us but what on earth does goth punk rock look like? I donapos;t know, why do I bother with these theories. I do know how that looks like actually and itapos;s not bad. They want us in a lot of black but with splashes of bold colours. Sounds good. The photograph is some guy named Nathan Shanahan (he did vanity fair, cosmo, esquire, GQ, harpers amongst other things). It will be on location - streets of ginza, and I imagine shibuya. So that means I have to fly off to Japan, Iapos;m not sure Iapos;m ready for that. I do miss cigarette vending machines, the peace sign and slutty restaurants though. Not. Except for the first, of course. As a means to bribe me AA (thatapos;s what I call her, Asshole Anonymous, she knows about it) told me about all the clothing weapos;ll get to wear for the shoot. Brian Lichtenberg (fuck, i love him). Lots of Chanel. Givenchy. Christopher Kane. Yves Saint Laurent, Gucci, Christian Louboutin, Shakuhachi (Love jessie white) ...some other shit I canapos;t remember. I told her that if Iapos;m not keeping all of it why should I give a bloody toss? She just laughed and said "Oh, youapos;re too funny". I wasnapos;t kidding, I can walk into any store and try what I want, pose and snap it with my camera. Still not keeping the damn clothes though. Whatapos;s the big deal. The flight to Japan is an ordeal. Good thing I started fasting.....

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I swear to Yog Bleeding H. Sothoth, I am sick of my website and I want it to die.

A couple of days ago, I do something stupid and Movable Type just goes and erases a good bunch of my templates, and Iapos;m still trying to recover. I think Iapos;ve finally gotten a decent layout, the beginning of a good color scheme, and figured out how to get a jQuery pulldown menu to work with my templates so itapos;ll generate, you know, template-driven menus....

... Itapos;s a cool idea, trust me ...


but the damn thing breaks. I mean, it works, but the way the layers render.... Agh.

Iapos;m sick of it. Itapos;s always something.

Feh.
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We can play with our identities? In last one decade, social networking tools provide people with the ability to stay in constant contact, explore identities and adopt new personalityrsquo;s .cyber world allow you to play with your own identities.

Recently one of my friend told me ,about his own lsquo;Actingrsquo; which he played on some social�site where�he posed himself as a woman ?He did it for fun He recalled his earlier days, when, he used for fun but later..�� Means now he is a part of cyber world but never bother about his gender identity. For him itrsquo;s a natural....means who cares male or female....? What, I am not sure too, is exactly a ritual? Or change identity was just a part of fun?

For me, posing as female than male identity is certainly a different thing. Cyberspace, is certainly full of these kind of stories, where many people (Read serious not Vagabonds) play with their identities .Cyberspace is a great stage, where you perform as an actor with certain role. Where some part of the role is decided by your outside world, some you have to decide for stage only.oftenly acting is more complex job than the reality .In acting you have to contest with two identities at a time. Its my guess, if you would give a chance to people to choose their identity on cyber world, most probably they will disclose their real identity. Itrsquo;s difficult to live life with dual or several identities .It might be different for women? Their identities may be more visible than men?

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Had a night in with nothing planned yesterday so managed to catch up on some productive stuff. One thing was that my Orange Top-Up swipe card is allegedly due to expire this month (after about a decade)- the man on the phone sounded slightly perplexed both at this and that he had to tell me you could get them from supermarkets. Given my replacement has an apos;expiry dateapos; of 2099 Iapos;m not sure I should have taken it as quite such a serious threat.

Work can most politely be described as apos;hecticapos; at the mo, weapos;re getting busier and thereapos;ve been some pretty emotionally draining situations the last week or so, on top of which the Harvest Festival Nightmare continues: we had our biggest consignment yet today and I think Iapos;ve reached the point of despair about finding space to store it all.
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I just realized something. Something big.


I may never have this much bathroom space again in my whole life.


With my brother gone, Iapos;ve got two sinks, two mirrors, a whole towel closet, a separate room with toilet and shower.



Being a kid is so comfortable, have you ever realized? This is the one time in my life where Iapos;ll be worry-free, no matter how tough things seem to be right now. After this, itapos;s college, then maybe more school, then a job and being a grown-up. Iapos;m going to have to worry about putting food in the fridge (and even having a fridge), dealing with cramped living arrangements, and being independent in a very scary way. Who knows if Iapos;ll ever have a bathroom this size again? My adult lifestyle may not be able to include such a bathroom, ever. Who knows? I could be a millionaire, but I could also end up homeless and trying to get a bed at a shelter every night until the day I die.

I really like having such a large bathroom all to myself.
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Did anyone else notice this?

I was watching the pacific con documentary again(shocker) and during the end when they all talk for 30sec backstage, I decided to pay attention to what is happening in the background. So Massu is talking and Iapos;m watching Tegoshi, Shige, Koyamama and Ryo when I could see him. So Iapos;m watching Shige on the couch playing with his camera and I see Tegoshi sitting next to him. All of a sudden Tegoshi leans back and pulls up his shirt and Iapos;m like "Where are his hands...O_O" I had to rewind it several times..but Iapos;m pretty sure he lifts up his shirt and sticks his hands down his pants O_O. I blushed so hard omg. I never noticed that before Jeez...Iapos;m probably slow but I just noticed it...oh dear Tegoshi XD

Itapos;s around 3:16 if you havenapos;t seen it XD

Iapos;m gonna try and work on my chap now..but if I donapos;t finish it by 10:00 ish, Iapos;ll have to post it tomorrow :o


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I have been doing some reading. I think most of my issues can be linked to a Magnesiun deficentcy. I know I have been tested for just about every thing, but it makes so much sense. Magnesium proapos;s and conapos;s. Con: If you do not have enough magnesium then you can get the following. Migraines, Kidney Stones, Sever Muscle spasms in every part of your body, make your parathyroid gland to malfunction, IBS, Fybromyalga, bad teeth, and count less other problems. Pro: No more muscle spasms that make it hard to even breath some days, no more Migraines, No more IBS, my hormones may go back to normal when my parathyroid gland gets the magnesium, No more fibromyala, may explain the issues with my teeth, it may even fix my spleen issues. I really hope this works. I talked to my doctor and told her what I though and she was excited. Only 2 of the population suffers from this issue. So she had that we found the zebra look. We think that my body needs way more than most people. So she wants me to take 300 of magnesium 4 times a day. I have a terrible time remembering to take anything, unless I am in terrible pain. After I had my last operation I couldnapos;t even remember to take my pain meds every four hours. So I had a more than interesting roller coaster of pain for about 4 days. O and the magnesium may help with memory. All I have to do is try to remember to take it for 4 times a day and in one month I should feel amazing and in about 6 months or less almost everything could be gone. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW I am so excited and relieved. I know it was a long shot when I went to the doctor with the papers I found. With her excitement I am just beyond tickled. I know I have a angle looking over me and I am so grateful for his help. I know that with my limited education, I had to have had help from a higher power. Thank God this may all be a dream before long. There is way more info I could have added. However, I did not feel like getting a Web MD on everyone.
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I am so freaking sick of the nasty bitches on Myspace. One in particular... Darcey. Sheapos;s Codyapos;s ex. She has been the thorn in my side for over a year now and I want to rip all of her hair out. She gets on myspace every day and for some reason her and I are still friends on it. I canapos;t bare to delete her cuz letapos;s face, it I like stalking her a bit. But every time I get on I see her stupid old pictures.. Of her and Cody kissing. Heapos;s on her top friends. Ok fat ass.... Cody hasnapos;t checked his myspace in over a year.... Let go.
Then I find out, she calls him...begging for him to come rescue her from a broken down car or something else. Like she has NO ONE ELSE in Utica.... Give me a break. I understand, they are still friends...and that I donapos;t mind..... But come on..... Let go. Heapos;s mine now and for some reason she is still around. I see her as a threat...but for some reason Cody reminds me that Iapos;m a threat to her.... Iapos;M THE GIRLFRIEND I get all the special treatment. I get him to come rescue me and take care of me... Not her. She had her chance and she fucked it up. Itapos;s ridiculous


I NEED SOMEONE TO FUCK HER UP A BIT... As evil as that sounds I think Iapos;d feel better
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